FREEDOM AND FEAR

Today was my last day of class for the summer! It feels strange to have finished off a year of Spanish in  two months, and I already miss going to class. I'm one of those people who whines about getting up early, having homework and getting stuck working on projects, but misses the crap out of it when it is over. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment? 

I'm completely and utterly terrified though. I'm not quite sure how well I did on the test today, and if I didn't do well, I may not be able to go to Chile. See, the previous terms consisted of four tests, each worth ten percent of your overall grade. That meant that if you struggled a bit with one of the concepts, you weren't completely out of luck.  However, this term we only had two tests, and each test was worth 25% of your overall grade. This would have been fine, except for the fact that the tests were the same length as the previous tests, and the questions were very similar. 

It doesn't seem like a big deal, but look at it this way: I usually scored about 88 on the previous tests. Not bad at all, considering we spent about two days on each chapter and I was working full time. This term we spent the same amount of time on each chapter, but everything was worth roughly twice as much as it was before, taking my comfortable 88 and making it 44. Not reassuring numbers in a 400 point class. Those numbers can make an A student a C student in no time flat. 

I admit, I have checked the website over and over again, and my grade probably won't be posted for another three or four days. I feel like I'm dying! 

I have an enormous amount of nervous energy because of it. I managed to finish putting away all of the bedroom boxes and reorganize all of the bedroom after class, and still feel twitchy and anxious, even though it is nearly midnight and I got very little sleep last night studying. I'm just stuck in this awful cycle of could have, would have, should have. What if I had studied harder? I should have quit my job sooner, and then I would have had more time to study. 

I also fear that it is a self fulfilling prophecy. I haven't bought my plane ticket yet. Maybe I've known all along that I'm inadequate? Incapable of doing well enough to do something like this. Maybe I'm too stupid to try.